i sat in front of the computer
and looked at your posts
i suddenly felt empty
and then i started listening to the song
that song
keep your eyes ahead
then i started to cry
perhaps it was the fact that my mom just had coffee with me this morning
god that makes it sound like i'm being fired from my position as a daughter
or perhaps it was the fact that i've been having a hard time finding a balence point between family and friends
or perhaps it is just because i'm a girl and girls cry
wait but jennys don't cry

coffee with mom was like going to the bathroom in a night market where bathrooms are impossible to find and dirty when you finially find one
the moment you step into the bathroom you ask god why you just had to have four glasses of watermelon juice
the floor is dirty from the clumsy before you
the toilet has a grimy, sad look... a homeless person type of toilet
but no matter how homeless the toilet is
you are still thankful afterwards
coffee with mom was like that
you ask yourself how did you let everything build up inside you
all the little insecurities
all the dirty little thoughts
of how unfair it is for them to expect so much from you
of how unfair it is for them to want you to stay in Taiwan just because you are smarter then your sister
of how unfair it is for them to want you to give up studing in Taiwan now that they are afraid of knowing your test scores
of how unfair it is for them to want you to take SAT now that the entrance exams are over and done with
of how unfair the whole bloody world is
but you feel better afterwards

finding a balence point between family and friends is not an easy task when there is a tug-of-war with you in the middle
it is not an easy task when a possive friend wants to hold on to you so tight that you can't breathe
you want to tell him to let go
but you can't say the words aloud

or perhaps it just is because i'm a girl
or a very sissy jenny