i was in hell week
if you haven't done hell week
this means nothing to you
hell week is created to kill you
my father watched me from the bleachers
we all look like helmets hitting each other
without names or numbers
I never let on that I was on the point of
collapsing in a dire wreck
this was hell week
and I counted the days
I took pain killers in the locker room
I was built to destroy

my father died in the summer
two weeks before my freshman year
I could hear him talking to my mother
about his back and how the doctor was working wonders
he called the doctor a miracle worker and then we left
to meet a client in a restuarant
three hours later, my mother left for the hospital in a panic
and my grand parents arrived
at the house
when my mother came home
she was with her best friend
my god mother
my god mother told me my father had passed
my mother couldnt speak

I left the room and went for the garage
it was the only place in the house I knew I could destroy things

I continued to play football
and I hit hard
every time I lined up
I imagined I was hitting god
I hit everyone in front of me like they were the ones
they were the reason he was dead
the garage became the football field
and my coaches took notice

at first, because of my size
the coaches put me on the line
I was line man

then they put me in a position where
my only job was to hit the quarter back of the other team
I played on defense
but I played like i was on offense
I watched the quarterback of the other team
and I ran for him with everything
i knew where he was going with the ball
I could tell he was scared

I had a reputation after a few games
I hurt the quarterback with everything I had
and I got noticed for it

suddenly I was the next prospect

coaches began pulling me out of history classes
and science classes so I could spend time working out
in weight room
I became bigger and angrier
I was no longer built to destroy
I wanted something to try and destroy me
I could go to any university I wanted
as long as I played football
as long as I crushed god
I wasn't the biggest on the team
but I hit hard
with everything

this became my weakness
it didn't release the anger
none of it
I still went home
angry at everyone
it gave no release
this is when I changed
and the world refused to change with me

I was supposed to keep on hitting quarter backs with
all I had and I no longer wanted to, I found nothing in this
it was hollow

my coaches turned me into a pawn
a weapon, so they could say:
"he came from my school"
I trained him


my coaches gave me a special position
it is really an illegal position
but I played it
it was something new so I accepted it
they called it the "head hunter"

at the beginning of the game of football
each team lines up
one team kicks the ball
while the other receives it and tries to run the ball back
when my team was the team to receive the ball
every one on the front line is supposed to drop back
and protect the man with the ball

but because of the way I hit
my coaches trained me to run towards the other team
no one else
instead of running back to protect my team mate
who would be catching the ball
my mission
their words
was to hit the kicker
with everything I had
so that
the next time he kicked the ball
he wouldn't be thinking about kicking the ball
he would be thinking about the guy who was going to hit him
with everything he had
the guy angry at god
my first lesson in psychology

The first time I did this
the kicker was looking up at the ball when I hit him
he never saw me coming
he was admiring his kick
how far it went
he never saw me coming
I took off his helmet when I hit him
he went to the hospital
i stopped playing football