I want to have your abortion
oh and I want to fuck up your children too

"so you think this is it hu?"

her bare legs were swinging in the sun as she worked her way through three baskets of strawberries

"basically.. yeah

this is it"

"so all the shit we but up through
all the tears people cry
all the bad poetry, wallowing pop songs, wilted roses, thrown rings
for this?"

she was stretching in the sun now

"what's wrong with this"

he pulled her closer and scratched her face with his stub

she pulled her face away and looked at him

"nothing, that's what's wrong with it
i just thought there would be more of a bang, you know...
a big finale or showdown or something

i should've ran down the airport hallway and jumped onto you, screaming your name"

just let me bleed and leave scars once in a while okay?

organized as such

from the kitchen to the front door

Shakespeare

greek

italian

poetry

(asian hand, reaching for something)

short fiction

non fiction

Modern

English

American

Front door

organized as such

from the kitchen to the front door

Shakespeare

greek

italian

poetry

short fiction

non fiction

Modern

English

American

Front door

MEXICANS: PART TWO

I decided to take side streets home
from the bowels of east la to the west
exiting off of Santa fe
on roads with deep ruts from large mack trucks
a left on washington
and I was driving along the road the metro rail train runs
you sit at stop lights
and watch the train people wait on the platform
tired faces
tired faces who ride buses
and are waiting for the train
the old women in their stalkings and comfortable shoes
the young boys in designer jeans
their only pair
the timeless pair
old ladies and young men
waiting for the train

by the time I got into culver city I was restless
side streets bore you in the city you were born
this mexican tried to pull out on front of me and i gave him nothing
he was trying to merge into the lane and i didnt let him
traffic was at a stand still
he put it in reverse
then sped forward to try and get into the lane again

his car jumped the curb
there were sparks when the car scrapped the pavement
i laughed
he got out of the car and looked at me
he was half the size of me
and he spit in my direction
he had a girl in the car
i stayed inside looking at him
i smiled again
i was sure we was going to walk towards me
i had my hand on the seat belt until I saw her
it was all show
he spit in my direction

and i let him have his moment
I didnt leave the car
I looked at the stereo
game over
he won
he got back into the car

he was in front of me
and i changed lanes
so i could be along side him
at the stoplight
he made a quick right
and i was once again
sitting in traffic

tapping out drum beats
on the stearing wheel

nobody drinks for the taste anyway

right?

it was a tourist attraction

flames on waves

something like that

it looked like barbecue beside a kid pool to her

or maybe a place like that needed to be in a cave

it wasn't eerie enough out in the open

under broad daylight

the sunlight just made it look

...

cheap

the walls were stained

the pond looked artificial

the fire wasn't bad though

licking and dancing

she could imagine it's laugh

the trees were

strange

sausage trees

they had orbs of fruit hanging down from the branches

they reminded her of penises

she saw dozens and dozens of penises hung on trees

DO NOT EAT

TOXIC

they pulled up to the temple

Taiwan Organic Betel Nut was flashing across the curvy mountain street

"your granddaddy hates noise"

her father looked at the parading temple gods

she was trying to concentrate on the S curves and the parking

"your granddaddy likes open spaces"

she knew daddy was talking about the confined shelf space granddaddy's ashes resigned

B1 A9 2

basement one, space A, ninth shelf, second to the left

-------------

she was in sixth grade and had just scored the tofu test

she was sleepy and her pony tail had gotten all messy during the hour car ride

she didn't understand why granddaddy's ashes had to be put way up here in a temple

couldn't they take him home and put him on top of the television set or something?

daddy insisted on driving over to tell granddaddy

she wanted to be cynical and roll her eyes and say something like

he's dead

but she couldn't

she walked sideways down the steep stairs

there was plastic wrap on the ceiling

"Mind Your Head"

in rainbow markers

she walked down and couldn't breathe

all those people

compressed into urns

tagged, pictured and labeled

it was too crowded

daddy pointed to the jug way up

she was too short to see the picture

she thought she should cry

but she couldn't

it was too crowded and she couldn't breathe

--------------

the plastic wrap was still there

the marker sign had faded a little

she padded down the steps and reached for the stool

stepped on it and brushed off granddaddy's urn

and she started babbling about her life

even when he probably had already seen all of it

following her like a soap opera

the closest strangers

she wished

she could at least have a decent memory of him

she could have seen his expression if he knew about the tofu

that last glimpse in the casket wasn't him

that she could have cried at the funeral

she wished he hadn't put that plastic bag over his head

just take care of them when i'm gone kay?

she whispered and kissed

this is silly
i murmur to myself

my chin is resting on my knees
and my arm encircles my mom's right calf
hugging myself and her right calf

she clicks through the powerpoints

is this what being generation X means?
i think to myself
having powerpoints of how much parents care for their children

mom's hand grabs mine in the third slide
where the author writes about pushing her son into the metal doors of kindergarten

she sees his stub of a silhouette tottering

chubby hands wiping off the snot and tears

mom's hand quavers a bit during the fifth

they are at the airport

her son walks into the terminal and doesn't look back

the powerpoint is complete with music

singing how happiness is so much like sorrow

this is silly

i think as i cry

he likes where she has gone in recent days
this digging into the past
the smiles of farmers with capped teeth
the greatest man alive
the money burning
and the selfishness of the gods
the doctors taking blood
but shes right
she understands the mother
the way she invests her soul in the small things
he thinks she is seeing that in her as well

it is all the small things that count

without the small things it all becomes a blur
without the details we try to hold on to
things just go as numb as the sky in Taipei
in January

time knows us better than we know ourselves
she laughs at us when we see her
walking away from the garden
the glimpse of the a young naked girl
before she disappears into
large fronds of tropical splendor
she
time
she knows us
as they say today
"there is no there"
she was there before the garden

he loves that she gets the small things
the devil is in the details is what
they'd say in an empty class room
after the lecture
and the sound of seasonal fall
in the maples
made a dry sound of leaves
outside the third floor

MEXICANS: Part one

i went into ez lube around nine thirty
and told the guy not to touch the air filters
just change the oil, the oil filter, and well call it even steven
i sat in the lobby and read about maggie the street girl
new york circa 1890

the guy next to me had a pony tail and slippers,
he went through his mail with an envelope knife
until the mexican ez lube guy
came up to him and told him
he had a nail in his tire
the pony tail said to leave it there
the ez cholo told him all about his car
he talked about it with such sincerity
this and that needed this and that
this is needed this now
or else the car wont work ectect
this sense of knowing

the pony tail wasnt fooled
he told them to check his abs light
and the cholo gave him a nod, rose, and went back into the pony tails
car to look at his abs light

when the cholo called my name and showed me that
he had taken out the air filters
he had this smile on his face
as I walked towards him
he was going to try and sell me air filters
its their job, they have to do it,
the have to try and sell you shit you dont need
hoping you dont know anything about cars
and that they can scare you, or guilt you,
into buying something you dont need
this america
this is ez lube
this is me about to grab the oil gun and
pump my own fucking oil into my car
cuss im not that american
im not played

she feels like reality is drifting away from her

or maybe she's drifting away from reality

i remember being angry at her
for asking me if I had gas money
outside the hospital
I got angry
because I was sorry
sorry all of this was happening
and why the fuck are you asking me about gas money?

when this has nowhere to go
it puddles in our little brains
and floods the vessels
it needs to go
cuss we want to live
we want to love
and we feel guilty when
we know we must part
we know that sometimes
we are driving that separation
and so they break our hearts when
for being so fake
so nice
happiness and talk of gas money
cuss we don't know what to say
we don't know what to think

we want to tell them
sorry

instead we scream for ponies

if its anything like macbeths wife and her hands
thats no good

i think a part of me is completly insane
but I know EXACTLY where that part is!

i feel like i'm that little wife in bluebeard

trying to rub off the red from my nails in the middle of the night

you sister wants to see a shrink

and she cried about her birthday

mom said it softly

eyes red

a tear clinging to the corner of her eye

why does she want such a big fuss out of her birthday

they aren't such a big deal

is the first thought that flashes

i have never in my god forbid life wanted to see a shrink

second thought

maybe that makes me even more troubled

third

she looks up at her mom

we are what you get when you want to raise children a taiwanese with american stripes

we end up wanting new year's red envelopes and christmas trees and tuition and birthday gifts

your father and i...

we never wanted anything out of you other than your happiness

you have expectations and you know it

you and your sister are so hard to parent, do you know that

yeah

being your kid is no piece of cake too

sis tried to pump him for information
he liked that audacity of it
she thinks she can squeeze him for information
he wonders if telling her that her older sister is
going to marry a mexican mechanic named angel
worked or not
he wonders if she is clever enough to see through it
it was her first
bite sized little test
or maybe
he wonders
if she knows more than she thinks
he understands why big sis wants to protect her now
and he is slowly coming around to the idea of
what this also means to him

Song: Miss Chin? Why, in Peking Opera, are women's roles played by men?"

Chin: I don't know. Maybe, a reactionary remnant of male-"

Song: No. Because only a man knows how a woman is supposed to act"

M. Butterfly

she was one of those temple ladies

hair knotted, gold rim glasses, white from head to toe

you could tell from just looking at her hands though

she had the hands of someone familiar with hell's currency

deft fingers folded the golden papers into triangles

her wrists making quick accurate flings into the dragon painted oven

she was talking in rapid taiwanese

how environmental nuts wanted them to stop burning paper money

what will the gods think?! she exclaimed

he was listening

smiling and listening

those gods

they're used to the good life

stop burning and you'll have trouble that's what i'll tell you

spoiled that's what they are

but what can you do about it?

all this was said with the density of monks reciting passages of the bible

her hands making efficient strokes and flicks

and he chuckling in between

----------------

this was what mao zedong drank, this tea

he says, filling my cup

i pick up the hot teacup

its pungent and strong

leaves its trace in your mouth first time down

doesn't trickle back like other teas

i'm trying to decide whether i like this tea or not

i'm also trying to decide whether i like him

he fits in well at first glance

signature blue and white slippers that people in the country side wear

balding hair

weathered face

its until gramp's friend mentions that he's from the states

entire family's there

he lives in texas

he starts throwing me the questions

what i've studied

what i plan to study

you should have stayed with international business he tells me

could've become a CEO

i don't know what kids these days are thinking

you all live in fantasy

he doesn't even look at me when he says this

expertise should be found before interest

when you have enough expertise in something

then

thenthenthen

you can pursue your every interest

i don't like him from that point on

he prides himself in being an american citizen

too bad that's the only thing american about him

my kids all play sports

they've went to harvard berkley you name it

they can go anywhere they want and get a scholarship

my daughter

universities pay her to study there

for her tennis

i'm thinking

they don't pay her to study there

they pay her to play

ten fucking hours of tennis everyday

who has time for anything after that

i never pay for my kid's university tuition

he says with glee

as if not paying makes him all the more standard american father

and your going to study english

he looks at me from the corners of his eyes

and you want to write with the americans

compete with the americans

i am one of those silly little girls who believe that they can do english cause they hell can't do math

he looks and laughs

i look at him and laugh

i don't despise idiots

its not their fault they don't know better

----------------

why are you sending her abroad they joke and laugh

just find a good husband for her after university

i had a cousin that went to juilliard

wouldn't come back

her mom threatened her to cut connections

made her come back

made her marry

i had a granddaughter that went to juilliard

caught america like a bad virus

forgot about taiwan

wouldn't come back

her mom begged her to come home

she'd told her mom she'd rather send her money then go back

her mom cried some more

begged some more

had her come back

marry a doctor

she became so much more peaceful after marrying

she lived happily ever after

don't stay there gramps says

face long and serious

frowning a little

don't marry a foreigner

leave me

but remember to come back